LESSONS FROM THE BACKYARD: FAITH

I was casually skimming the trashy entries of Best Week Ever, laughing at something stupid and wishing we lived in a society that didn't completely hate itself, when I finally noticed what sounded at first like the bickering of two women just behind Jeff's house.

Given the demographics of this neighborhood, and the topic of discussion, I figured that watching the real deal instead of looking up Maury videos on youtube.com would be good for a bona fide Boo Radley. So I hopped on over to the window and did what I do best: make my presence unknown and watch everything that's happening.

Now, at first, I expected that this was some stock baby mama drama, the kind you might expect from two classy females. It should be known that this street has produced such monster hits as two drunk parents getting wheeled out of their house, leaving their child behind to put herself to bed, and a woman getting arrested for apparently breaking in, giving a man a blowjob, leaving her purse, and then wanting it back (or something like that). The entertainment value of this street will never match a daytime talk show, but for what it's worth, I don't have a TV.

However, I later figured out that the man next door is apparently cheating on his (wife? girlfriend?) with a much more vuluptuous, big-breasted 'ho.' He has also apparently been to jail and has been gone for several months at a time. This is her basis for this man not knowing what 'faith is.'

"I was just driving in the car," she says, "tryin' to sing, y'know? All I wanted to do is sing, and talk to my girlfriends, but he has the nerve to interrupt me n' shit." By gods!

Although I didn't capture some of the conversation because Galesburg caters to the most annoying contraption on Earth, I did understand one thing: that this woman knew the meaning of the term modus operandi. Do you realize how surprisingly racist I felt when I recognized how low my standards were of such knowledge? I felt like such a fool.